About the Weather

Pathetic fallacy is so obvious when it comes to the weather. I try to avoid it when I write. But I couldn't avoid it today as I walked out of the house into a world of fog. Nothing in the past 10 days has made any sense at all. I was really hoping for a ray of sun. Instead I got more murky gray dampness surrounding me. Low, thick clouds that I can't see through. Cotton in my ears. Everything sounds far away, like when the airplane descends. The whole world banks left, then right.

I am waiting for the haze to lift. I can't explain why I expect it to. I am just trying to have faith that a blue sky awaits and not storm clouds.

Maybe then I can string together a congruent thought. Maybe that's where the story turns.

No real wisdom...

Just musings.

Endings are inherently sad things, even when they're good. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the last few days, and now, on this side of it, I'm left feeling light, like I left gravity far behind me. But I also want to cry or scream or laugh or vomit, just to be rid of the tension that tied my muscles in knots and hasn't let go yet.

I remember nights as a teen, stepping out of the rollercoaster car. At some point during the ride the sun set, and now the lights are on all over. I didn't notice it when it happened. (Sudden memory of Dorney- watching the pink sunset sky flip upside down as my stomach jumped into my throat and tickled my insides). Just a few brief minutes before, there was that terrifying climb up the track. It seemed to take forever. That's the part I'm really scared of. And then you reach the summit, and the car comes thundering down the track, and that's the part where I laugh. The ground comes up to meet you so fast. That part, that's the last couple days of my life. Now it seems so easy to just walk off into the warm night air. On to the next ride. Not looking back.

I never contemplated that I might never ride that one again. I might never have that same thrill. Maybe that coaster I was just on was the best one I'll ever ride (I used to be a bit of a connoisseur, you see). So I'll look back, just for a second, and feel something I can't quite name. But I also think of what a shame it would be, to spend the rest of the evening riding the same ride over and over when there's still so much to see.

So yes, it's really finally over. And yes, it's a little sad. But I feel excited all the way down in my toes for what's next.

Don't you?

Merry Christmas

Oh, it is lovely to be back "home" in Pennsylvania. It's always a little weird to come back to a house that is less and less mine every year. There are reminders everywhere of what a different world this is than the one I'm used to these days. But it's good because it reminds me of where I came from.

Today, after opening presents in the morning (after cinnamon rolls and a cup of DD coffee), we drove down to visit the graves of my aunt Anna Mae and my great grandmother. Philadelphia... man, what a trip. I can't tell if it was always so run-down and I just never realized as a kid, or if it's entropy at work. But it's such a startling reminder of how the other half lives. I feel truly blessed to have lived the life I've lived so far. I am happy for my parents that they too escaped those neighborhoods.

Anyway, the big point here is that traveling 3,000 miles in a matter of hours can really do stuff to your perception and your emotions. Just yesterday around this time I was somewhere over the Great Lakes. Weird. Airports at ungodly hours during Christmas time also play with my emotions. In a good way. I had time to kill yesterday morning at SeaTac. Here are some things I saw:

1) Old-timey carolers. It was kind of random, but lovely. They just walk through the airport singing songs in 4-part harmony. Strange thing at 6 AM though. I first mistook them for Menonites. Then I remembered where I was. And also they started on their next song.

2) A girl sitting with a cup of Starbucks coffee: she had a sleeve around it (natch), but she was also drinking it through a straw. Apparently I am not as original as I thought. Or maybe I started a trend. I should have looked into Trademark law sooner.

3) While perusing the the shops in the main terminal, a picture frame with part of an e.e.cummings poem on it. It's funny how I was able to recognize it even though it's not one I've ever read before. I still don't understand how anyone could not like e.e. cummings. But maybe that's just me.

4) Little girls "riding horsies" through the terminal. They were so small. It's sad that we lose our ability to see invisible horsies as we grow.

5) Twilight coffee! It's probably a good thing I get back at midnight. I would be tempted to buy it.

6) A sticker: Milk sucks. Got margaritas?

7) NO CHRISTMAS TREES. Just one small pink (lest red should offend anyone, I suppose) poinsettia. I am for equal opportunity in public spaces. But really, Washington is the Evergreen State. Put a Star of David on top- I won't get offended. But no trees at all makes me a little sad.

Conversely, seen at Philadelphia International:

1) Bearded lady. For real. You'll have to take my word for it, though. There was no subtle way to take a picture.
------------------------------------

Also, it's my first Christmas as a Christian.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel has come to thee, O Israel!

Merry Christmas

Tonight Tonight, or "I am but one small instrument"

A summary of my night...

Good: Love Actually (yes, again)

Bad: Flow charts

Good: Gliffy

Bad: writing scripts for websites

Good: old journal entries in which I mention "Goodbye Sky Harbor"

Necessary: Compliment sandwiches

Bedtime for Me

I write to help me fall asleep. It's like taking out the trash. Not that it's all trash, but it's at least like putting away the folded laundry so you can reclaim your bed or sofa or dining room table and resume normal life.

Ironically, I've been writing for the last two hours and I feel like there's more going on up there than ever. I'll try to match up the socks:

The best things about this weekend:

1) I fixed my own damn dome light. Finally. Found the right bulb and everything. Why do we even have men? ;)

2) I put up my Christmas tree. It gives off that warm homey glow.
2a) Cinnamon candles. Retailers across the nation are learning that if it smells like cinnamon around the holidays, I will buy it. It brings me joy.
2b) Not one, but two local radio stations have started playing round-the-clock Christmas music. I heart Andy Williams and Perry Como, and I don't care who knows it.
2c) I now have a job and that means I get to buy Christmas presents for people. This also gives me joy. Let me know what you want for Christmas.

3) I've gotten three days out of my bottle of merlot. 21-year-old me would be very disappointed in 26-year-old-me, but 26-year-old me doesn't care because I get to drink my wine on my own terms, thank you very much. It lasts longer this way and doesn't make the room spin.

4) Brussels sprouts with garlic and bacon. Everything is better with either garlic or bacon. Especially better with both.

5) I made it to the gym twice and worked off those sweet potatoes. My friend made me hurt, but I love her all the same. She's a great motivator and will make an awesome trainer. And in the meantime I get to use her for free :)

6) Made it through the Sunday service alive. Running the video gives me a knot in my stomach every time, but the warm fuzzies I get from serving far surpass the butterflies.

Six feels like enough (that's three whole pairs). I think I'm coming down. Thanks for reading. Time for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

On smelling like someone else

Yes, I realize that is a bizarre title for a blog. Let me (try to) explain.

I borrowed a spritz or two of perfume from my friend yesterday, and the scent is still in my scarf, which is currently wrapped around my neck, right under my nose. It's a scent I like. It reminds me of this expensive shampoo I used to have. Which I only bought because it smelled like "bitchy girl." It reminded me in some abstract way of the rich girls, the high-maintenance girls I'd always avoided in high school. The girls who seemed to have everything so easy. I bought the shampoo because for a few hours after my morning shower, I felt like everything was easy for me. I imagined that men turned their heads when I walked by. I set my jaw differently. I walked taller. I pretended that I didn't have to care about anything.

I knew it was just a ruse, even back then. But it was fun to pretend. Now this smell doesn't remind me of those bitchy high school girls, those sorority girls on the train, those girls at the bars. It reminds me of those moments when I got to walk down the street and find a different sliver of myself. Ironically, the strong, bold part of me had been hiding deep down in there for a long time.

My vanity drawers are now full of perfumes and lotions and soaps, and all kinds of smell-good that I've collected over the years from gift exchanges and my mother's clean-out-the-cupboards projects and whatnot. And I get to choose how I smell on a daily basis. And up until yesterday, it all still somehow smelled like me.

But now, this scent on my scarf is foreign. It's a memory; it's not of the present. It's a different-meaning thing altogether to my friend who lent it to me (though, I'm not sure I'll really quite be able to give it back-- haven't worked that one out yet), I'm sure. For me now, it's a reminder of a good feeling I used to get. But it's no longer the cause of that good feeling. I'm pretty sure I don't need a shampoo for that anymore.

Just this...

I won't directly tell you much about me. But I will tell you this: I am white. And in winter my skin becomes transparent. Translucent at best. And it's scary, to know that people can see into me if they take a moment to look.

And this sums up what's on my mind right now. Just this.